Thursday, September 9, 2010

The O-Bible: Chicago and Aurora

Chapter 18

18:20 And Obama said, Because the political machine of Chicago and Aurora is great, and because their voter turnout is very advantageous;

18:21 I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the plan for the mid-term elections, of who is to come after me; and of who will pay to play, we need to know.

18:22 And Obama's staff turned their faces from thence, and went toward Chicago: but Mayor Daley stood yet before Obama.

18:23 And Mayor Daley drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the reliable Democrats along with the wicked Republicans?

18:24 Peradventure there be fifty Republicans within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty Democrats that are therein?

18:25 That be far from thee to do after this manner, to decimate the Democrats with the Republicans and that the progressives should be as the conservatives, that be far from thee: Shall not the Obamessiah do right?

18:26 And Obama said, If I find in Chicago fifty Democrats within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.

18:27 And Mayor Daley answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto Obama:

18:28 Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty Democrats: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? After all, we can always register five dead Democrats to take their place. And Obama said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.

18:29 And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty's sake.

18:30 And he said unto him, Oh let not Obama be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.

18:31 And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto Obama: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty's sake.

18:32 And he said, Oh let not Obama be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.

18:33 And Obama went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Mayor Daley: and Mayor Daley returned unto his place.

Chapter 19

19:1 And there came two bagmen to the Chicagoland area at even; and Blago sat in a cafe in Aurora: and Blago seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

19:2 And he said, Behold now, good fellows, turn in, I pray you, into your master's house, and party all night, and drink some scotch, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will instead negotiate in your office all night.

19:3 And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in to him, and entered into his office; and he made them a feast, and did bake a nice Chicago-style pie, and they did eat. And one of them had a tape recorder.

19:4 But before they lay down, the police of the city, even the men of Aurora, compassed the house round:

19:5 And they called unto Blago, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

19:6 And Blago went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not frame me so wickedly.

19:8 Behold now, I have just purchased two Thai prostitutes which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these bagmen do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

19:9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Blago, and came near to break the door.

19:10 But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Blago into the office to them, and shut to the door.

19:11 And they smote the men that were at the door of the office with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

19:12 And the men said unto Blago, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:

19:13 For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of Obama; and Obama hath sent us to destroy it.

19:14 And Blago went out, and spake unto his attorneys, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for Obama will take down this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his staff.

19:15 And when the morning arose, then the bagmen hastened Blago, saying, Arise, take thy lawyers, and thy staff, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.

19:16 And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his lawyer, and upon the hand of his two staff; Obama being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.

19:17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; do not mention my name, neither stay thou in local politics; escape to obscurity, lest thou be consumed.

19:18 And Blago said unto them, Oh, not so, Obama:

19:19 Behold now, I am planning to disclose what I know about pay to play, and thou hast heard all about it from thy chief of staff the serpent Rahm, which thou both sharest all things; and I cannot escape to obscurity, lest some evil take me, or I go to prison and get shivved:

19:20 Behold now, this courthouse is near to flee unto: Oh, let me escape thither, (is the fix not in?) and my ego shall live.

19:21 And he said unto him, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this political machine, for that which thou hast spoken.

19:22 Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither. Therefore the location of the courthouse will be near Chicago.

19:23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Blago entered into the courthouse. And Blago did what he was told and did not testify against Obama.

19:24 Then Obama rained upon Chicago and upon Aurora brimstone and fire from out of heaven;

19:25 And he overthrew those cities' political machines, and took control of all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.

19:26 But his lawyer mentioned the name Obama, and he became a pillar of salt.

19:27 And Mayor Daley got up early in the morning to the place where he stood before Obama:

19:28 And he looked toward Chicago and Aurora, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

19:29 And it came to pass, when Obama destroyed the cities of the plain, that Obama forced Mayor Daley to resign, and sent Blago out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew all the cities in which Blago dwelt.

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