We Are All Millionaires Now

Newsweek's hugely popular issue We're All Socialists Now (which sold out in under a week) has triggered a fuhrer among the proles that no amount of Barack Obama cover stories has thus far been able to quell. The perfectly reasonable article was written in specific objection to the sinister neo-con far right militant fascist racist Nazi extremist Jonah Goldberg's chapter in Liberal F****** entitled "We're all f******* now" (now available in paperback - just in time for Christmas!).

Nevertheless, when the letters began to pile up refuting the article's claim that Obama was the Marxist equivalent of Santa Claus at the Newsweek home office on 34th street (which is located conveniently next to the newly constructed Pelosi, Obama, or Reid offices, also known as the POOR House), the cheeky editors Jon Meacham and Evan Thomas came up with the idea of forwarding the letters along to the big man himself.

During the cold weeks that ensued, the air was fraught with the tense electricity of anticipation. The stillness of the February mornings enhanced the feeling of anticipation and tension that was itself heightened by the coldness. The wan pinkish sun cast a glow on the frosty tundra that glistened like the hope of a new socialist dawn.

The whisper campaign against the Santa Obama deniers continued on the front pages of Time and Newsweek until the masses were both bored and infuriated. Finally a clarion call of sanity emerged from the cacophony of tumult, allaying the fear and alarm of the people like a gentle hand soothing a wounded deer who has just been shot.

"We have to tolerate the inequality as a way to achieve greater prosperity and opportunity for all." Contessa Brewer trumpeted on a raucous MSNBC set, still up in arms over a botched Starbucks order. "Tell that to the guy making ten bucks an hour."

Tell that to the guy making ten bucks an hour. Truer words were never spoken. The words washed over the country, cleansing the open wound still festering from the ugly prosperity of the Reagan years.

The nation soon forgot the fact that Ms. Brewer (who some have claimed has an IQ of a hundred and seven) had just called the Reverend Jesse Jackson the Reverend Al Sharpton. The twelve people watching the network at the time overlooked the fact that they were watching a conversation between a chirpy teleprompter-reading communications major and a multi-millionaire race-baiting shakedown artist.

Within minutes, MSNBC cut to a live press conference where Obama was set to address the sensational Contessa Brewer statement. President Obama approached the podium and gazed into the teleprompter, distilling the wisdom of its words like a delphic oracle.

"There has been an...ummm....a rumor, that, uh, all of us are socialists now. This is....this is not true. As everyone knows I am a centrist - mine is a new way, a third way. I have been studying the economy of Zimbabwe, where an enlightened despot has bestowed great wealth upon his people. There are hushed rumors that in that great African land, uhh, everyone is a quadrillionaire. How much more is owed the people of America, the most powerful and wealthy nation on earth, where inequality remains our greatest challenge? And what indeed of the world? As the one true Santa Obama, I now declare unequivocally that we are all millionaires now."

The masses erupted in joy as all the people rushed to the banks to confirm - indeed, all of their bank accounts had been wiped out and replaced with a one followed by six zeroes.

The pandemonium was unimaginable. People quit their jobs immediately. There were drunken festivities and dancing in the streets.

Then, after the ticket tape settled, men and women finally began to think about the implications of their new found wealth. Everyone still had the same possessions, the same families, the same hopes, dreams and talents.

Fields still needed to be sown and reaped. Cars still needed to be manufactured. Roads still needed to be maintained. Energy still needed to be produced. Medicine still needed to be practiced.

Then someone picked up a broom and began to sweep away the confetti. Sanitation workers got in their garbage trucks to haul it away. Doctors and nurses went back to their hospitals to care for the sick. Engineers returned to electrical power plants to make sure the hospitals had lights and the homes had hot water.

Everything went on nearly as before. Sure, luxuries had flown from the markets in an orgy of spending, but this also drove up all prices nearly instantly. People had to resort to bartering for needed goods to smooth things over until the massive economic disruption caused by the government's "benevolent" intervention abated.

Never again did the people believe in the fairy tale of government-created wealth. Santa Obama became a laughing stock who retreated to the North Pole in Bermuda shorts and a bottle of sunscreen, only to freeze more solid than Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back. Guided tours now take customers to visit the socialist relic (for a handsome price, of course).