"The National Socialists are sell-outs of big business, obviously in the pockets of the powerful fire lobby," one unidentified member of the Comintern said at a post-fire rally and frankfurter cook-out. "It's the bourgeois Jewish pigs who keep keep wrecking the dreams of young communists everywhere, with their usury and funny little hats. The Nazis are also in league with Big Jew, as everyone knows."
The German Chancellor Adolph Hitler, a furious mustachioed orator whose antics remind many of Charlie Chaplin, immediately condemned the act, and issued a State of Emergency under the new Reichstag Fire Decree and Enabling Act. The acts would repeal many of the individual liberties granted under the Weimar Constitution, and would give the would-be dictator broad new powers, such as the right to seize newspapers, radio, and other means of communication in a time of "crisis."
Not to be outdone, the communists fired back with their own statement, proposing the Reichstag Abolition of Fire Decree and Disabling Acts.
These laws would be virtually identical to those of the Nazi's decree, only the party would be switched from "National Socialist German Worker's Party" to "Communist Party," in addition to putting forth a ban on the use of fire throughout Germany. The decree also contains a formal call for a massive burn victims fund, which the communist party would personally administer.
"We are largely in agreement with the Nazis on the need to abolish individual rights, on this matter, there can be no question. But where we differ is in our sense of the plight of the proletariat, who have been harmed most by fires throughout capitalist bourgeois history. We propose an end to fire, and a brave new world of fireless existence...after we burn all the capitalist propaganda of course."When asked what potential consequences might follow a ban on fire, the young socialist idealist responded, "The flame of genius of our prophet Marx shall keep us warm."
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