Sunday, April 18, 2010

America Commits Historic National Suicide

The nation's historic first post-American president declared November 2nd the National Day of Suicide to an applauding White House press corps.

The Democratic Party leader will commemorate the historic occasion by replacing all nationwide election ballots with an autographed picture and booklet of food stamps, along with a coupon for a free strawberry milkshake at McDonald's.

In a speech given from his trademark teleprompter, affectionately referred to in beltway circles as "Telly," America's elected dictator laughed off suggestions that this was the end of democracy as we know it.

"What is democracy but giving the people what they want? Who doesn't like strawberry milkshakes?"

Super Two-fer Tuesday will also see a Unilateral Disarmament Festival with a bonfire of American weaponry that will be viewed from outer space by a Democrat delegation aboard the International Space Station.

The delegation will be served beluga caviar and Cristal champagne while being ferried by a Soyuz space capsule.

Meanwhile, free universal healthcare will be dispensed at government outlets by state-authorized bureaucrats. Inside every 500-page stack of paperwork will be a Golden Ticket, good for a tour of the magic healthcare factory that dispenses the free healthcare.

Doctors will be treated for their service to their country by a free round of miniature golf. If the doctor hits the red ball into the mouth of the forty foot Rush Limbaugh figure, he wins a syphilis bypass voucher, good for one skip of the drip.

Following the evening's festivities, the nation's right-wing radio hosts will be rounded up for a public execution. But this won't just be any public execution. There will be shark tanks, boiling-in-oil, and pyrotechnics - hosted by Dancing with the Stars special guest Mario Lopez and American Idol social butterfly Ryan Seacrest.

The night promises to be truly historic. So get off the couch and make your way to your local government office for your all-expense paid ticket. You might feel a little sting.

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