Under pressure from the EPA (Enterological Prostrate Administration) the police have begun requisitioning mobile prostrate exam units to be used at make-shi* roadblocks across the nation.
The reasoning behind the new law and bowel enforcement measure is two-fold: To check for underwear bombs and other explosive devices, and to make sure the American people are getting their Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) of fiber.
The police are authorized to apprehend, detain, and interrogate offenders indefinitely without trial, as well as to forcibly administer bowls of Cracklin Bran Flakes, which was selected as the Emergency Fiber Provider of Choice through an apparently illicit no-bid contract with Kelloggs.
The New York Times will continue to aggressively investigate the Kelloggs no-bid contract, which looks to potentially become a scandal on the level of Watergate.
In other news, was Miley Cyrus an appropriate choice for Special Advisor on Pop Songs and Teenage Promiscuity? The NYT investigates...