Universal ASSurance

The U.S. House of Misrepresentatives passed the most glorious reform in the history of the world, ensuring that tens of millions of uninsured Americans will get insured up their ass - just like they've been bailed out up the same place. 

Lawmakers hailed the action as a rebirth of the magnificent Soviet healthcare system, which provided universal healthcare insurance at all GULAG forced-labor camps and class enemy extermination facilities. The bill was also presented as a renaissance of the sound Nazi spirit of social solidarity and collective responsibility.

“It’s a victory for the American people,” Obama told reporters at the White House. “We are one step closer to building a paradise on Earth. Believe me, folks, if ya'll keep voting for me, in 10 years money will grow on trees and in 20 years you all will become demigods and acquire supernatural powers. People will be able to levitate, read thoughts and engage in psychokinesis."

The bill will also provide many indigent bureaucrats with jobs, helping them buy limousines and swimming pools for their poor families, marking a victory for government officials' inalienable social rights.