Monday, January 18, 2010

The RAPE, SHAFT, and SCREW Acts of 2010

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to insert a plan into the economy to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating or saving hundreds of jobs and reducing unemployment.

The first scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can also apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Congress deems fit.

Persons who have been RAPEd may also possibly get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have had both AIDS and HERPES will no longer be eligible for SHAFT or SCREW but may still be eligible for RAPE.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

It is the sincere hope of the government that after Americans have been RAPEd, SHAFTed, and SCREWed, the economy will quickly turn around.


The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

P.S. - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

1 comment:

Nora said...

That is so funny. And sad.